40.

you probably remember the first time, when i walked away.
it was after bible study, when all of your friends came to me and asked what it was i wanted.
i remember saying you were the most beautiful thing i’d ever seen.
it was after you told me all the things that made you scared,
and all the things you wanted to do when you grew up.
i remember thinking you were a little crazy.
it was when we sat on the steps of the church, and you asked me for a reason.
and i couldn’t give you one.
i remember you cried. (you cried a lot then.)

but you probably don’t remember the second time, when you walked away,
me begging and pleading for you to stay.
because i never said a word.
instead, you sat under the lights with me, wrapped in my arms
as we watched the ballet dancers move their bodies in time with christmas songs.
you told me the next day that you felt lost and confused.
but you still walked away.

you probably remember when i almost moved across the country and started a new life.
i think the thing i wanted most was to say goodbye to everything i knew and start over.
but you probably don’t remember that i wanted to tell you
all the things i felt but could never say.
because i was with her,
and you were “over it.”

you probably don’t remember the time i said,
“there’s nothing for me here. once i’m done, i’m getting out of this town.
i’m going home and i’m not coming back.”
i could tell you wanted to cry. you told me you almost did.
you probably remember me trying to not care about everything i was leaving behind.

you probably don’t remember the time we sat on the swings in the park
and made a promise to each other.
we were kids, and so we laughed about it.
but i knew it was what i wanted.
(you probably remember thinking i was crazy when i brought it up a year later.)

you probably don’t remember the first time i ever told you i loved you.

but i do.

a voice like home.

i am simply not enough,
and my words are even less.
you could hear what i’m saying,
but intent never makes a sound.

you seem to be able to see straight through me,
so tell me:
what am i worth?
a second look, a second chance,
or only seconds of your time?

now i’m breathing quickly,
and i need to learn to take this;
but as long as you’re beside me,
i’ll never be able to let go.

you’re the runaway girl,
the one who is always chased
but never chases.
it wouldn’t suit you anyway.

to hear you speak
just once,
to feel you breathing
on the back of my neck,
i’d give anything.
you’re elusive with the best of them;
just a ghost in the corner of my eye.

now i’m breathing slowly,
and i want to learn to break this;
but if you’ll stay beside me,
i’ll never have to let go.

before you have to leave,
show me that smile;
the one that keeps my head spinning.

you’ve got my head spinning, little girl.

angel eyes.

hello,
my name is “starting over.”
you don’t know me,
but you could.

watch me closely,
and tell me who i am.
filthy, dirty, messed up.
i know this.
but it could be better..
so much better.
and i would do it for you.
all for you.

“tell me your secrets,
and ask me your questions,”
she sings with a smile.

“wish i had done this,
hope i’ll do that,”
is all that’s running through my mind.

i know where you’ve been.
and you know where i am.
isn’t that enough?
could you let me in?
even if you did,
i couldn’t return the favor.
not yet.
no, not just yet.

take what i have,
everything i have left.
it’s yours.
and it isn’t much,
but i know i can make it..
if only i have you.

n.

the lines in your face
tell stories of last summer,
when the air was warmer
and the days were longer.
we were only kids then.
and now we trade glances
with words only you and i
can decipher.
you always seemed to know
just what i was thinking,
and somehow still
found the words to say.

i wish you could read my mind now.
you would know how much this hurts,
and how much i miss you.
i pray to God things don’t change.
because i can get past this..
i just hope you can too.

i love you.

then came the sun.

my love:
today i thought of you.
not a passing, temporary notion,
but a passionate, enduring belief.
a belief in you and me,
and in holding hands,
and in long talks,
and in forever.

tonight i listened to you breathing
while you were asleep,
and i quietly whispered in your ear
things about love and loss.
and somewhere in your dreams,
you breathed those fragile words.
“no one lives forever.
you know this can’t last.”

today i sat against our favorite tree
with pen and paper in hand,
and i wrote you a song.
i emptied my words into the air,
hoping that the wind would carry them to you.
in essence,
i’ve been singing to you every day
for the past year and a half.

tonight i watched the stars,
and i called each one of them
by a different name i used for you.
(hello, darling.
good evening, gorgeous.
there you are, beautiful.)
i find it easier to believe
we see the same constellations;
and maybe, just maybe,
you can follow this night sky to find me.
wouldn’t that be romantic, love?

i stayed awake all night
thinking up clever words and phrases
to make you fall in love with me again.
and i’m starting to see
that i’ve been losing myself
for as long as i can remember
being a part of you.

this is how you know that i love you.

about a girl.

she likes to sit at the window and listen to the rain.
she almost looks wistful,
as if she’s dreaming of some place far away.
in a minute, she’ll probably turn and ask if we can go there someday.

when i leave, she’ll lie in bed and wonder
if any of it really ever happened.
if i even exist.

she doesn’t mind when i call in the middle of the night
to make sure she’s doing okay.
but she doesn’t always tell the truth,
sending me to sleep with a false security.

she’ll wake up the next morning
having forgotten that she cried the night before.
about what, she’ll never remember.
the sheets dried her tears hours ago.

she likes to walk on the wet rocks with bare feet;
she says she feels free that way.

she likes to walk along the edge of the cliff,
smiling and laughing because she knows it worries me.
“stop being so concerned,” she says,
“that stress will kill you one day.”
she looks out over the ocean,
and imagines, for a brief moment, she has wings.

when the sun sets, i will carry her home;
singing to her as she sleeps in my arms.

and tomorrow, she’ll wake up,
wondering if it was all just a dream.

miss you, love.

one more day.

hello again.
how have you been?
you look tired.
weary.
empty.
asleep.

broken.

have you ever felt this alone?
sliding into cold sheets and praying
that the day would come
just to chase this night away?
it’s so quiet;
and still, you’re kept awake
by the screams inside your head.

this is no way to live.
oh, darling.. this is no way to die.

what were you thinking
when you walked out that door?
amidst all your false hopes
of amendment,
did you leave your fears behind?
or have you been carrying them
all this time
behind your lying eyes?

oh, love..
how i wish you had stayed.
we could have watched the sun rise,
and laughed about things that
only we know the meaning of.
as for now,
i’m sitting alone in a cold house
with a handful of memories
and the vacant comfort
of knowing you’re just out of reach.

my love,
there is warmth here.
i know it is distant,
but stay with me a while
and wait.
the sun will come
and find me watching you,
smiling as the blood rushes back
to your cheeks.
“i want you to stay with me,”
you whisper.
“don’t leave.”

oh, my love.
i’m not going anywhere.

un-beautiful.

i’ve never been this hollow,
this transparent,
this naked,
with you dissecting me piece by piece.
at times it feels foreign,
like a needle under my skin
breaking boundaries and
entering places
i dare not let anyone see,

but you.

i try to tell myself
“it will get better with time.”
but as much as i wish i could escape
your watchful eye,
hiding is never an option;
not when i have a reputation to uphold.
you always drag me back,
bloody and bruised
and i am screaming for more.
i tell you it’s nothing,
don’t worry,
never serious.
i could play the hero
be completely honest.
and everyone would believe me,

but you.

i wish you could see
i want so badly to fix you
even when you act as if you have it all together.
“i don’t need anyone,
i can do this on my own.”
i believe you, love.
but even when you feel fine,
don’t you just want someone
to tell you you’re beautiful?
you are beautiful, girl.
i’ve given up on empty words and phrases
that take us straight past talking
and into the back seat.
i just want for you to see,
for you to notice,
how perfect you really are.

i’m still waiting on those words
i was never meant to hear
to escape from your shaking lips,
“you’re not like him, you know.
you’re different.
you make me feel beautiful.
i can escape inside of you.
what’s worse, i can’t walk away.
i can control myself around anyone,
keep my composure with anyone,
fool everyone,

but you.”